When you realize that you're more lonely than you think

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I know it is quite bad to begin the year with a sad start. Anyway Happy New Year to all of you. I am turning 25 this April and even before I grow one year older I start to feel more weight of my responsibilities.

I have been telling myself that I am good by being alone. I am confused to see other people around me who are not content if they do not have a significant other. I cannot comprehend that single people are likely tied to 'miserable'.

I was raised to be independent and I am sure that in my life, I am dedicated to create my own happiness. I can be single.  That was probably before I know what love or lust is.

By the end of the year, I was getting physically intimate with someone insignificant. It was supposed to be a fling, but my friend said I kept on talking about him like he was someone special. He was not my someone special. We happened to be in the right time and moment.

He left the country 2 nights after our short encounter. At first I was okay. In fact, I felt like a superstar. My confidence rose. I felt really good. I had never been better.

But after a month, I could not shake the emotional attachment that was growing.

While... him? He cut of all of our communication and blocked my Facebook. I knew it was supposed to end that night, but I am still very hurt by his action.

In my case, I block people because they are terrible to me. So, I really hate to believe that he blocks me under the ground that I am terrible. He was terrible himself. That night, he didn't throw out the seeds from my grapes that he ate (no, this is not a metaphor, these are actual grapes), I dropped him off to his place afterwards and paid the Uber too because he had no money. I paid for his drinks. I didn't mean to count everything. If anything, he was the terrible one!

After he left, I became lost. I did not want to want him, but it felt like I did. I lost his comfort and that makes me realize how lonely I have been. I tried to walk on the park alone, take shelters in coffeeshops that I love, watch Star Wars... but I couldn't shake my thoughts about him.

That was a brand new low. Men have hurt me before in more despicable way, but this is another level of being an asshole despicable.

I just cannot believe that I am playing a part of this kind of a classic fuckboy story. 

It is funny, upsetting and at the same time unbelievable. Because I believe that only Barney Stinson can do all of that fuckboy moves, to hit and run, but Barney Stinson is fictional! I put my trust on him. He was a good friend before the night. We played, laughed and had fun together. I thought he is just going to be cool.

At the end, I refuse to think I am the victim. I am kind but I know I don't need to condescend or pity myself. I have played the victim part just enough.

I think whatever happens, must happens.

Anyway, the bright side is, It felt so good to discover myself again and he was just the right stranger to be with. Tall, lean, athletic...we didn't speak a common language, everything is simple.

While me? I am back to find my own contentment of being alone. His disappearance might say something about myself, that I should be looking out for love. If the night didn't happen, I wouldn't find out more about myself.

Heart is the softest place to land after all.


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