Signed, Sealed and Undelivered
The script - Six Degrees of Separation
I Imagine we are both sitting in a quiet cafe at Jalan Gandapura. The rainfalls is the background music to our quietness. We have just left the city hall. I follow you wherever you go. From the dark forest to the artificial park. I follow you like a dog follows its master. I follow you wherever you take me even to the places that make me feel lost.
In this cafe we are sitting face to face. I am probably initiating a bland conversation about today and the time we have lost. You respond well and ask me if I am doing fine. I am. Secretly, I am happy that I can drag you again to another intimate corner that I love. From edgy coffeeshop to the antique one. Just like you, taking me to one park to another. I start to feel like I am being where I should be as we talk further.
The coffee is getting cold. I can sense that you are going to leave soon and elsewhere. I am not ready to lose you again. Not this time. I will beg to make you stay.
Remember when I said I have a feeling for you? Yes, like two years ago. Some says if the feeling lasts more than 6 months, it is not 'just' a feeling. I do not need any superstitious saying, the science of time or cliche romantic quotes to believe that. I listen to what my heart tells me.
Maybe you cannot understand why I have this feeling. Maybe you can not touch how deep it is. I do not know either. But I know how it hurts when I see you with someone else now. It is not that I do not want to see you happy. I believe I can make you feel the same way or more, if you give me the chance to prove it.
You have chosen another person as well when I was waiting for you, when the time spread like dandelions in the wind. You could not see how your decision damaged me. I only tried to appear exceptionally wise and strong. But, in my head, I keep wondering why it was never me. I was there briefly, yet I think we agree that we made each other felt comfortable. And it was almost unbelievable if you did not feel the same way.
Your decision has made me question myself. To be honest, I can never look like a goddess. If goddess means a tan bikini body and angular pretty face, I cannot promise you that. I will probably look beautiful in a one piece and my full curve. This time you have made me question a lot. Maybe giving just a heart will be ever enough. You have made me question my faith and my belief. It is almost fucked up, that I think too much on this. I have been having problem to receive kindness from others and even myself.
But I always appear strong, because I am trying to be. I am trying to erase this dialogue in my head.
I am trying to erase any reason why I should convince you to be proud of me.
I do not know why do I feel this way. Maybe I want you to look me the same way I look at you, the same way you look at your woman. It sounds crazy I know. I know I can make you happy too. I will always be faithful and kind. I will never hurt you. I think I deserve your pride because I know I am more than just a beautiful person outside. I cannot comprehend what other thing you have seen in her. What does she do that she makes you fall head over heels.
(I guess, sex?)
I know you are getting uncomfortable. If this conversation was a letter, you would throw it to the bin before you finish it.
But again, I am tired of winning you over. Maybe you have chosen her out of the blue and your logic and there is nothing I can do about it.
Instead I hope.
I hope. That someday, somebody will see what I cannot see in myself. That there will be somebody who sees me the way you see her. Somebody who will look at me and feel proud of loving this person. He will see the extraordinary in my averageness.
No, it does not mean that I will not change my flaws and be settled with my stubbornness. I am saying, somebody will love me as I am. I am saying the universe works in crazy way. Somehow you cross path with people you did not expect to. You, a boy from the Southeast of England meets a beautiful girl from Southeast Asia. The universe will work again. If it is time for my love, I hope the universe will draw the most absurd path I will thank the most.
It is hard to believe.
But I still believe in love, that it sets you free.
Just before you leave this place, you might want to know that I can forgive what you have made me feel. All of your decisions. But I cannot forget it. It is going to take a while before I can accept me letting you go completely. But it is easier that I have let you know. Because you have to know.
Lastly, even though I feel like you least deserve it... I am sorry.