On the my way to 24

I come across an interesting article in my daily dose of reading today. It is from Magdalene and the brilliant piece is called Keep Calm, You Are Not Expiring.

It is close-to-the-heart article that I read to date. The author is turning 25 soon, just like most of my friends. My parents sent me to school earlier than I should, so most of my friends are 91 babies. I was born in 1992, which makes me 24. One year younger, but it does not mean that I do not feel the pressure. It does not make me especially blessed. I have fear of missing out too. I think my quarter life crisis begun when I was 20, when I realized there is no way out to adulthood. Problems are going to surface themselves.

Finding job in Indonesia or overseas? Where to settle? First, you got valid visa?

Visa is obtained! Let's find you love, now... Oh, here is a perfect man for you.

Oh, there is another scumbag who wants to touch your boobs.

Oh, here is another scumbag who pretend he likes you but he's married in other state... with a son!

And let's not forget your high-school sweetheart who probably has a secret crush on you but frustrated cuz you won't notice.

OK. These are all too complicated... Maybe love is not for you. 

Let's find you job. But real job, the ones that give you a 35-year-old salary and medical benefit. What do you mean there's none for you? It is not that hard like finding that scholarship. Come on.

Well, fuck it.

I remembered a week before my 23rd birthday, my emotion was unsettle. I cried a lot. I called my best friend to meet me at Sarinah Starbucks (yes, the one where it was bomb by the terrorist; but it was a long time before that, like 6 months) then I cried my eyeballs. Thinking, what have I done so far. Time flies so fast. I keep thinking about the decision I made and how wrong they were.

I should have stayed in Malaysia so my parents would not interfere of what I do. Even though it is hard to find jobs in Malaysia as a foreigner (fresh graduate, from non-UK or non-US universities) at least they give me a good number of salary. Maybe if I stayed in Malaysia, I can find a boyfriend at least because my social circle is growing. I leave when it is the peak of the happiness of my young adult life. It still haunts me.

But when I think about it today. It does not matter as much.

I have to admit lately I write less because I have no exciting things to write about. My mind is numb so it feels like I am settling in for the average life and it is supposed to be something that kills me, but I refuse not to let it kill me.

Yes, of course, I hate to be unproductive. I have so many ridiculous dreams. Like studying Masters in Europe or America and it is so easy to feel envy for people in my life who have done so or have visited my dreams so easily. Maybe they are privileged (my skeptical side says so) or they really work hard (my positive side says so).

Many of my friends are getting married, engaged and producing babies. Honestly, this is another BuzzFeed IRL situation. Some of them really do turn to 'mom' and 'dad' and look like twenty years older and brag about their newlyweds life... secretly I wish that I do not turn like them. May I still listen to indie music or strolling at my favorite place of the town or keeping my passport fully-stamped.

So I have 3 weekends away until I am turning 24 (in April 24). I do not expect anything like sweet wishes from best friends who turn my old picture in collage and emojis. I expect myself to just move forward and make peace with the decisions I have made. It sounds easy to say, but it is a difficult walk to take. I expect myself not to be interested with other's people live, even though they will keep on bragging about their happiness relentlessly.

It is not that I am so evil. Maybe, I am. Well I wish I was born evil like Cruella Devil in the Dalmatian so I have an excuse to be crazily evil and mean to every one, and everyone else won't mind about it because this is what I do. I wish. But, I was born into a good-girl shape so I have no reason but just comply. If only I have thunders to strike people that annoy me and that'll shut them up.

However, I still choose to be good. Even though I am not opposed to wake up on my 24th birthday and possess a superpower. It will make my life easier.


Popular Posts