New Year, New Me and All Other C*raps
|It is supposed to be 366 days|
2016 has 366 days in calendar
I realize that I haven't posted anything in a while in my blog. I have to admit that the last 2 months before January were the saddest time of my life and I do not have any reason for why I am so sad--Oh, right, unemployment and heartbreak.
After I left my last post/agency, I sort of thought that everything is going to be fine, maybe I will do what I have loved to do. It is true, I make myself busy, writing articles, do groceries, exercising, organizing open mic nights/slam and eventually travel.
Maybe I carried the whole 'Eat, Pray, Love' thing in my head that eventually all my life problems will all be settled, that the end of the trip will give me an obvious outcome that I can see and grab onto like three-dimensional objects I come across everyday. I hope answers are just as certain like the cup of coffee I hold every morning, or this computer, or my toothbrush. But, they are not.
So, I spend my time 'lazying' myself in December. I am still actively seeking up for jobs, but I have stopped my writing and laying my head next to my mother, whilst watching Dangdut singing contest and playing I Love Pasta. Well, in the middle of December I had gone to take a surgery. I found out that I have 3 cysts in my womb, but luckily it went well. I am happy and healthy now.
The relationship between my parent and I used to be rocky, not because they do not love me, they do but, we are three people with strong heads and we want different things. At some difficult conversation, we can just yell and I become one of those teenage emos again who wants to divorce their parents if they can.
But, how silly I am to think that way. I have to apologize because I don't quite understand how their love works.
I have never been so grateful that my family are the true support system that I have. They are the ones who stay with me when everyone else had gone. I can count by fingers how many friends who are reaching out to me when I am sad or those who give me good advice instead of passively criticizing what I lack of.
My mother and father used to be so angry at me, but now that they have seen I have grown and I am my own person, they are not angry anymore and this thing makes me worry. Am I now completely all by myself without their directions?
But, I know they are going to catch me everytime I fall... and my God, I want to do the same.
I used to accuse my mother of being so materialistic 'cos she wants me to have an unrealistic first salary (she still does, though), but what matters to her the most is to see me happy. Few times, I finally cried in front of her, just like Riley in Inside Out, and all she said was "Nothing can break a parent's heart when they see their child cries. I wish we can exchange position so I can take the pain."
So, this year... I am cutting all the new year, new me and all other crap.
I am just going to be happy. If anyone wants to take me out of the solitary and take me to climb Mount Rinjani, that's great, but I am fine to be alone in my room. Two years ago, I had a wholesome experience of being the new me, the most interesting version of Ayu Meutia, and all I think of I need to stay that way to be happy.
Acceptance is not a strange vocabulary to me. I always keep it in mind in my head when I am sad or down or think that "I am not outside, nor talking to people, I am so pathetic". But, what I do to the word "acceptance" is that I shove it down to my throat when I am not ready. It is like feeding a little girl a brocolli and she won't take it.
This is very cliche. I wish that I can meet someone who can accept me for my greatness and my flaws, but how can that someone be ready if I haven't trully accept myself?
So this year I vow to be happy, as simple as managing my restaurant at I Love Pasta or getting a job interview.
I have been channeling everything into a manuscript now and I am feeling good about it, hence, I stay silent. I do not meet people when I need to... oh and Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye are coming to Jakarta.
All I can say, God is still kind. Life is good.