2015 the year of the sappy-headed idealist

I have always been excited to recap the year in my life. It is December now and we are going to close the year soon. Truthfully, I have been faced with many disappointments recently. It is so bad that it makes me sad that I forget who I am and what have I achieved. I have been running out of my pride and love for myself. There is nothing that can make me feel better, but it is not that I do not want anything to be better. I do. Only that right now doing nothing and sleeping next to my mother seem to be the best cure.

I welcomed 2015 without fireworks. We were at Tanjung Puting, a national conservation forest for Orang Utan in the Central Kalimantan. Two days ago, a commercial plane flunked into the ocean and the local government did not allow fireworks or big celebration. They recommended the citizen to light candles for sympathy. I am not a big fan of fireworks myself.

The next month, I managed to visit my previous basecamp, Kuala Lumpur and caught my two favorite poets alive on stage. I attended Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye's workshop and they are coming to Jakarta in January next year. It was good to be able to enjoy Kuala Lumpur, although unlike what it used to be. But I met friends, I got to speak Bahasa Melayu on the street and it was all well.

This year, I am getting many inspirations for poetry as I am finally being able to do things on my own with help from amazing talented friends. I organize Unmasked Open Mic and create my own zine. I have been wanting to create an open mic and a zine, I guess those things are checked.

The next step, I'd love a poetry book. I hope I can get one by next year. Three of my friends have been publishing their poetry book independently and I wish my turn is next.

I have been speaking about spokenwords and such, making a small workshop...  that also exceeds my expectation.

I have gotten a good salary for like 4 months. At least, I knew how it feels like when the bank account is well and prosper, even it only means for 4 months. I used the money for my saving, enrolled in a 2-month writing class, and even helping/giving my family (yes, I am an adult now... although a poor one)

I do not travel as much. My passport with my new beautiful and slender looking me is still sitting inside the cupboard. Although, I travel to parts of the country that I always want to, Tanjung Puting and a new place, Malang in East Java, where I meet good friends and make good memories (which kinda turns into a bit sappy now)

But you know, you cannot be happy and well all the time, I have been leaving jobs from one to another. It is both because of logical and illogical reasons,  I think I haven't found a promising job that I want yet. I keep on looking for the right fitting job, at the same time, I am seeing my other friends who have succeeded in the corporate field makes me feel bad about my temporary nomad style of working. I keep telling myself, that's not really what I want.

I do not want to grow into this beautiful and mundane-looking chick in Jakarta. Although, what I am doing right now is also an ordinary thing, which is writing. But you know what I mean, I just do not want to live and follow the safe line of working class system. I want to create something.

... sounds too ambitious?

Oh, take a look at my love life! I experienced 2 heartbreaks. I caught feelings with good friends of mine. The first one was gentle but he might leave me hanging. He left because he was always travelling and I started my life in a new city. But we were still communicating and I mostly initiated the conversation. Only to learn that, he moved on and found a new girlfriend. He broke up. We met. He got back with his ex-girlfriend. This is a real life skit of Bob Marley's Waiting in Vain.

But I got over him, because of... time, and I realized that we are two different people. I maybe am too sappy for him, and he is too carefree (hippie) for me. Spending time with him, makes me a better person and he helps me to look at things in a positive perspective. But, I will not trade my massively-manufactured Dove Pomegranate body wash to a bar of sap, au naturale... and seriously I am sappy. I cannot be carefree because I am a thinker and I always make serious opinions about other and myself...

That explains number 2.

The guy writes, reads and is a thinker too. We connect with the same jokes. We evaluate things we love and hate from religion and cultures. We impersonate accents when bored. I do not know what is getting in a way except my overgrown feeling for him which he shoves back right at my face. I am still hurt and he is probably hating me by now... and I do not know what is the point of him ignoring and stop caring about me. I have lost a friend, a good one and it sucks.

He might be the reason why I do not write poetry because I do not wish to romanticize the pain, because it hurts and nothing will ever make me feel better unless we gain back our connection, that is lost somehow.

I know this doesn't stop the world from going but, I am torn. He was a good man and a good friend. Before he decided to stop caring because I guess, my presence overwhelms him. I kinda wish that he could be gentle about it.

It really is disappointing. But, you know whatever happens, happens.

If I am going to find love, then it is going to be forever and I am a girl who is worthy of love and capable of loving. If anyone cannot take me for who I am even when I am growing into this sappy and lunatic girl, then I should not be counting onto them.

It's not me, It's them.

Although, I wish time will make everything better. I hear that what we want in life, sometimes it does not mean the best for us.

Anyway... giving myself a pat on the back again forever trying my best this year.

It is going to be okay. Get yourself a warm cup of tea and watch the Son of Anarchy or something.



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