What I Really Want

You know the feeling of heartbreak is awful. I am trying to recover and ignore the feeling, but when you are alone you cannot escape the mellow thought of it. What upsets me from the whole process is that this guy, who was very close to me, whom I trust with all my stories, dreams and secrets as well as my insecurities and whom I was really comfortable with, gave me hope. I am not a fan of the concept of dating 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend'.  I could say that he was my confidant, but I did not know what I was to him until he dated 2 girls after he met me when we were away from each other. One was a new girl, then the other one was his ex-lover. It was really embarrassing and I was totally in denial when he said that "I only love you as a friend." — I almost thought he was lying.

I know I am more than a person that what he sees me as. I managed to uncover his new girl, it was not from excessive stalking but it appeared out of the sudden in my social media timeline. He told me before about his girl, he claimed that they broke up because the relationship started out by wrong reasons. He later claimed that this girl was different from himbut guess what, you are gonna be back together, lovebirds.

She is a complete opposite of me, physically, well she is all stunning with slender legs and slim hips and she looks good in bikini. I guess that's what makes him fell in love first with her. I do not know her best quality or her worst quality but I do not want to judge a person by only her looks.

But, what makes me sad is that I missed the chance to prove myself that I can be his girl too. Maybe all the traveling and the distance were strong enough to beat the odds. I did not have the time to prove that I could be there for him. By all means, I kept praying and thinking about him when he was away, but I did not know if he ever did the same on me. Did he ever think of me on his journey? Because in my busy time, I did.

He missed to see the best side of me.

But again, I do not have to inspire anyone to meet me on the bridge.

I have to admit that it is kind of tiring to make his attention turn at me. He had a bunch of works to do especially for his expedition. There were lots of unread and late-replied message I could not complain. I really hate to be the type of clingy girl and demanding, because I think the type of girl who acts like that is desperate. I want my life to have more than just one world, I do not want to concentrate on this boy to fuel my life. Although you know how strong the power of love is and it can make you to concentrate on one silly thing.

Well, it is a shame that he did not get to see it. But I guess it is also the part of realizing that he was not like the superstar I think he was. Sometimes, he did super weird on public like smearing coconut oil on his face whilst walking in a mall (he did).  It seems like he will be a boy, who always falls for sexier exotic type of woman, which I understand, that's (unfortunately) natural. Although for me, it feels superficial.

Plus, I cannot really connect on him on movies, our music taste is not a match--I want somebody who can watch independent movies with me, but it is not really his interest. His hobby is walking and doing stuff that is eco-friendly and green, which I strongly support, we need people with a green mission in this dying climate and ecosystem. But I'd prefer a boy whom I can take me out to roadtrips, new coffee shops and indie film fest, and I do not think he is the one I want. He likes Bollywood movies, I do not watch Bollywood movie.

Maybe this is a phase of infatuation. But I do not know what makes me writing this non-sense post 2pm in the afternoon with the thought of him in my mind.

You, go figure, Boy.


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