Simple Thing, Big City

Have you ever cried yourself for no reason at the back of the taxi? I did. Silly thing, it happened last night after a wedding. It is not because I went to an ex's wedding. It is not that bad, but still is bad. I just hate to go to wedding all by myself.

simplethings by Miguel

Three years ago, a very good friend of mine was married and she invited me to her wedding. I had no mean to reject the invitation because we are close friends from college. I made it anyway without a plus one. That was also the day I promised myself that I do not have to go to wedding alone.

But yet, last night, I broke the promise because again, I did not want to cancel an invitation from a good friend. There was nothing wrong with the reception. It was intimate, the food was great and plenty, there was music and people were dancing. Everybody seemed to have fun, except me. A lonely girl who stood alone in the center with her meal. It was too confusing. Somehow a celebration lost its meaning for no reason.

The cab driver I ordered to pick me was kinda rude. Maybe it was because of me who had already been irritated by the whole situation, so I took the piss at him. But again, I was shocked at slow he was to find me and how he blamed everything on me at the end, for not placing the order clearly.

So the night was over for me. Slowly, my eyes turned wet and I could feel drops of tears coming down to my cheek. I figured what's wrong. Because the fact that I come to a wedding along and failed to show up with a plus one?

I cannot believe I turn into a girl who wants to cling next to a presence of a man. But I guess, it is not naive. It is not naive to admit that I am a girl who perfectly is fine and happy to spend quality time by myself, be it catching movies, going to the gym, strolling around a city, travelling to the next airport--a girl who finds convenience in making and living her own decision--she would not have it the other way around, except for wedding. Even a girl like me, who prefers to go to do things all by myself cannot stand the awkwardness of going to a wedding alone.

I wonder what irritated me from that night. I had a couple of friends who were there also, but they were getting busy with each other... which I understand. One of them is a really close friend to most of the guests. The wedding was like a reunion, and as a person who values a good reunion, I just could not bother.

Was it because the presence of other guests? They are young, beautiful, coming with full energy plus bright personalities and come in pairs. Possibly yes. Somehow, they made my presence seem to be a little smaller and I do not like that. I know it is all psychology, that everything is all in my mind and no one means to intimidate me. It is not their faults, but yes, I kinda feel a little intimidated. Somehow I felt different from them, and what are the chances to find a great guy if I do not look like a great girl who knows how to dress and put on some good make-ups? you know what I mean... appear to be the whole package. To be pretty and to embody a bright, likable and almost generic personality.

It is probably a shallow thinking for a girl who always declares that she loves herself. But it happens. That bad feeling of benchmarking to a value you do not even understand. I, too believe, that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I dressed beautifully last night and applied some good make-up. I happen to like simplicity and simple things... and I do not want to be charged guilty for that. I do not want to change they way I live for acceptance.

As I looked to the window, all the buildings and street light flashed at the side of the cab. I realize live in a big city, and I have always been. I guess this is another kind of new strange struggle in the city. Making it rain in is one thing but would you stand by your own principle or would you compromise?

As for me, I wonder if there is anyone out there who enjoys simple things as much as I do. Who wants to tear down this big city, sweeping the dust off against those exclusive young cliques and wants to own a good time, having us versus the city 24/7? If chances are small, that is because I have a ticket in my hand and I am going to spend it once. And that man better comes fast!


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