Just Brutal Honesty Here...

First of all, do you know that Matt Damon has a ponytail?

Second of all, have you watched Terminator Genisys? I am like back head-over-heel in love with Jai Courtney.

Third of all, I happened to write this on my Path view hours ago:

Almost 10 years from the first year of high school
6 years after the first year of college
3 years from graduation and awful first job

Yet, I feel like I am the same person—still single, although I know how my status is somehow my advantage because of the unlimited independence I have. I do not really have to think if any of my decisions will affect other life's other than mine. Even the smallest decision such as, what or where to eat (but at the end of the day, I end up cooking) to big decisions like moving into another city or applying for insurance. There is really no string attached.

I consider my family as the string but, my parents are quite open minded and they always encourage me to try things that will improve my potential. Even though we still are caught up in big arguments. But that is normal. They are my parents, I owe my life to them.

But lately, I cannot deny it feels pretty lonely. It is Ramadan now. Even though, I think I do not have problems with abstaining myself from drink and eat during the day, but I must admit, that my biological clock is changing. Somehow days feel shorter. And within that short amount of time, I fill my days with working, cooking, going to the gym... and repeat. Probably there are two or three days in a week where I would catch up with friends for iftar. At the end of the day, I am thankful that with these activities, I can distract myself from the misery of being the single girl in the city. But sometimes the thought kicks in, sometimes on my bed or having dinner alone—it would have been nice to share moments with someone.

Usually—or probably like 10 or 6 years ago, the thought of being in a relationship does not interest me that much. I guess I was busy being the best and the brightest student. I can say that I missed out pretty much life back in my teenage/college years, but yea, I turn out to be  a responsible young adult. So it is not really losing.

I am catching up to what I have missed earlier in my twenties now. Especially on dating. I tried to go out several times with guys, and ended up in several situations I may call "are we on a date?" But nothing is pursuable into a short-term or long-term relationship. 

There are those who stay good friends with me. But, there are also some jerks, those whom I lose connection with, or those whom I find rude and intrusive, I purposely lose contact with them.

For sometimes, it feels alright to have that kind of relationship. As long as I have somebody to talk to, I am good. I do not need a serious attachment. I do not expect chocolate and roses at my door. Our date is not always going to be watching movie, and he pays for the tickets. It can be as simple as both of us talking about stuff over coffee and we split the bills. But, of course, I appreciate if he wants to give me extra attention. I am just saying I am not always demanding.

Later I feel that I am actually realizing and questioning myself:  "Am I the kind of person who enjoys open relationship?"

I cannot believe it myself. Looking to the amount of love poems and proses I have written, I am a sucker for romance. I want to meet the one. I am the girl version of Ted Mosby. I am listening to Adele right now.

But I guess this is what I mean by I am still the same person, but not really. I am still a girl who sucks for romance and I will get extra excited about my crush, but it stops there. I do not really have expectation, and I do not want to.  Because to expect— it sucks.

I have been there before. There are at least two guys whom I considered good friends of mine, whom I think I develop strong feelings into. I am also a girl who believes in the natural development of relationship. I do not really believe in flirting. I believe that friendship is a great foundation to an everlasting romance. Because you are familiar with this person and you have trust. How beautiful it is to end up with your best friend?

Anyway, My two guy friends are being so kind to me and they have always been there when I need them. They listen to my stories and we are growing so comfortable into each other.  But we stay friends.

And then comes (always) this new girl, whom we barely even know. She is getting to know him too. She has no idea about him, like the sports he used to play as a child and what his true ambition. Yet, this is the girl whom he will spend more time with and call her, "my girlfriend"

I mean, if he wants to spend the time with the same reason—I can do it too. Why choose a girl you barely even know than the one who knows you better?

GUYS—and they still accuse us for getting them into friendzone and thinking all girls are the same, demanding, spoiled and so on.


Whatever it is, I know time will unravel it all. I see many shit happens. 

There are some friends who quit a long term relationship just to be with another person. T
here are some friends who are having a serious affair—This makes my jaw dropped. There are friends who are just as clean-cut as I am, have just been starting their first relationship in their early 20s—which is pretty cool, but guess who is the last single girl standing! It is the same feeling I have to be the last chubby girl standing.

I do not know what  will it be  for me.  But I am curious. In the timeframe of 10 years, I would have never thought that I am going to start—or restart my career as a copywriter and I am involved into poetry again. So, I am just excited what will happen in the future, but right now, it just feels a little bit hopeless.

Oh, and actually, I am hoping to be more ambitious though.


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