A Long Walk Towards Acceptance
It is good to be back on blog writing again. I realise how much writing has helped me and I just cannot stop. I have always been an annoying life inquirer and I bear a huge amount of insecurity. My previous posts have indicated how I am doing with current life. Back to my current hometown where everything feels like limiting me, and it sends me to an unhappy state of mind. By not being able to do things I used to do independently, I felt worthless. I was having a crisis that none else could solve.
I like to challenge myself. In fact, when a person is saying things that I find insignificant I will somehow try to influence them and get the desired answer out of them. (Passively, so, nobody knows when I am acting like a bitch) In most cases, people are afraid to ask because they are afraid if the answer is not as good as expected. I do relate to that fear, but it only encourages me to ask even more until I have the answers that I am looking for.
I had intense conversation within these past months with the closest people in my life, family and friends. I could not help to be irritated by what they might think of me. In the previous posts, I write about how I am annoyed to be called passive, less ambitious and discouraged person. Because, as a matter of fact, I am only taking my time to search important things in my life and standing up in my own feet again.
If the right people compliment you, you will be happy. But otherwise, if they misunderstand you, you know how bad you hurt yourself by asking. You know these people matter to you because they are the closest people to know who you are after yourself. So you rely on them for their opinion and advices.
But you are wrong...
Even the closest people around you do not even come that close of knowing yourself. You may prove a point, but people are just people. They might have built a perception about you. It sucks to know that your support circle are not even that supportive and you feel alone.
I have been battling with lack of self-confidence on how people are seeing me, the true me. It was 2011 and I had a huge dispute with my 2 bestfriends. It was just another example of how silly I was about the way I perceived in social media. I remembered I wrote a status, a very bad one, because I was offended by my 2 bestfriends. They found out about it and thus everybody, including my other friends judged me from being an impulsive tweeter, talker and thinker. I meant, well yes, maybe I am. But I do not like my personality to be judged by social media status only. So I lost them for months, but we have reconciled and things are getting great and I have grown so much from social media since. I learned that after all a good friend knows that I am more than what I said in social media profiles. I am a lifetime relationship I have with them.
Well, now, it feel similar. I was misjudged. Even though, the accusations do not come as strong. It came during private conversation that went peaceful and thoughtful. But it sent me to a deep thinking and a great denial. "Well, I am not what these people think of me" even though they matter so much. It is not that I am a headstrong, well yes maybe I am a headstrong person, but who in this world today that stops themselves from being selfish and ignorant? Well, yes, maybe I should try to be selfish again this time, in order to protect myself from being influenced by others for my own good. I do not know how to convince them, that it is not what I meant and it is not what I do... but I know it will be just a waste of doing so.
I realise this might be a test to detach ourselves from other's perception. It was not that I do not want to take advice because I came to them and talked at the first place. But sometimes for deeper questions like, "What is good for me?" "What do you think makes me happy?" "What do you think of me?" you need to keep them at your side, or you may ask, only after you 100% convinced of the answer yourself. Because no one can answer that for you and positively, you will have an undesired response. Just remember even though they are the closest people to you, they do not walk in your shoes.
I believe it takes a good solid courage to self acceptance. It is not about being seen as good or bad, but the ability to acquired confidence and stay true to yourself. We are not always made to listen. We are born to stand.
Though I am sure after I am fully realising and convince to stay true to myself. There will be a greater challenge that test my self-actualization.
The Naked Soul.