A Conversation with Myself

It is John Lennon who said it, you silly...

Dear readers,

I have been wasting my time getting angry and frustrated with myself for no reason.  I have left my job on May and I believe it is still a good decision to be made.  But, I feel like out of place--literally, because there has seem to be no appropriate placement for me so far.  Even though, I am trying to get myself as busy as possible and of course, still putting my best effort to search for school. 

Some people may not talk about this situation out loud because simply this is embarrassing, and yes, I know this is embarrassing to.  In fact, I should write about this post earlier.  But it seems like I am waiting for the right time to, well, humiliate myself.  Embarrassed at falling.

But, come on... This is not a humiliation.  This is simply a process.  

I have written a post of me being afraid to be a mediocre person.  I realize the life after university, an AE life for 1,5 year helped to unleash the potential in me.  Experience to experience lead me to even more positivity.  But it seems like I cannot be apart from my fear.

I have known several close friends who live around me with the same situation, unemployed.  But truth to be told. If this makes me feel any better, if you agree with me... I am in a different unemployed situation.  I was previously employed, not a freshie.  I am still having my translation freelance job and I am a part time English instructor now.  It is kind of bothering to be compared or to be judged.  There is no significance if my other friends have compared themselves to me, but several conversations indicate that they do.  There are 2 of my close friends whom I invited to private chats and I do not talk this with any other friend, not until now, out in the open in my blog...

When I said that I am hesitant to work in Jakarta, a friend misunderstood me for not being able to retain the pressure of living there.  Of course, I was a bit hurt by his statement because it is not true.  I have lived in KL before and the experience is not all pleasant.  But it is true that in Jakarta, life expectancy is ridiculous.  A starting professional is paid less than 500USD or even worse, they can only earn 160USD a month.  This unreasonable living cost is a part of my big consideration of staying in the city.  Never mind the pressure.  It was a rough time anyway in KL and I still believe the experience strengthen me and I can make it anywhere.

When I said that "Probably I am doing alright but something tells me that I should not be here in my hometown."  What I meant is, I am tired of my self-expectation and pressure.  Right now I am doing whatever I can to be busy and reaching my goals, but my inner self feels like jumping and wanting to be in a big city that second.  I am exhausted.  But when I tried to communicate it to my friend or even my parents.  The misunderstood it for a passivity.  I mean come on, I was the girl whose paper and notes were copied.  I told my parents the other day that I wanted to voluntarily teach and taking intership at Ubud, they told me that I would be just wasting my time. It is time to search for a real placement... bla bla bla.. it goes.  They think that I am a quitter.  As if they believe that I am having such a low expectancy as a foreign graduate with 2 year experience of working overseas... again misunderstood.  I am hoping to work as far, and as tall as skyscrappers in New York if I could.

I have been misunderstood a lot, I bet we all, but it is a new situation for me.  Last time the situation was a tad bit childish.  It includes self image and social media... which I am so over it. Here I am rambling about the complexity living as a 20something, like naked.  Probably, 10 years from now, I am going to print this page, laugh at it and burn this to ashes.

My sensitivity is getting more and more unbearable. I have become easily irritated. It also affects the way I pray. When I realised these are the last 10 days of Ramadhan, I joked, bitterly and truthfully, "Oh shit, the end of Ramadhan approaching but it seems like God has not give me any hidayah (clue) or what to do next."  I wonder if I perform all the prayers right and well.

Insecurity is probably the main reason why I am writing this.  All I want to hear is a conviction of others to tell me "you are doing fine."  The matter of fact, maybe I am.  I know plenty other people who does not take responsibility in their free time, or this is just the way I judge them.

After a chat, a friend ask me to write everything that I am feeling and answer it for myself because she cannot answer things that I have asked bluntly. Hence, this post is published.   I have also had similar conversation with a good friend.  All of them said that they cannot define what happiness for me, but it is me and me only who can define it myself.  The answer is within me.  I do not even need any conviction from anybody.

Which is obviously true.  The moment I landed in Palembang, I tried to accept myself, and India.Arie's SongVersation album helped.  But I guess, I was doing that wrongly.  Because I still feel bad, even with a 92 pages long fictional story I wrote about 1,5 months.  This feels wrong.

Other than writing to make myself busy, I am reading.  One of my current reads, is Siddharta by Herman Hesse. My favorite part is when Siddharta thinks that his life had gone like a mess and out of aim.  He felt like life is just not worth it. So, he sat down by the river and tried to kill himself.  But somehow the deepest part of him chanted "Om".  Suddenly, he woke up feeling like a brand new person.

I am also currently reading benlaksana's post, and probably will send him a thank you post for it. Ben is a talented blogger and I have followed his blog for a few years because I like the way he thinks and writes.  I relate to his story this time.  I think we both have been exposed into an open-minded environment, when we get back to our home, adjusting is very challenging.  I do feel that I am confused to channel all this knowledge, practical, creative and spiritual in Indonesia. Creative profession like Communication Practitioner is not regarded as highly here. Social pressure too, it is shitty to see how your friends are doing in offices or beaches when you are sitting in front of a laptop trying to keep that manuscript done.  But yeah, I get what he feels, and I hope Ben is enjoying his time in Bogor.  Meanwhile I am doing these whole "conversation" and "apologizing myself" in a correct way.

If anyone out there finds this post related to them, and want to shout for a support... please do comment.

The Naked Soul.

Bonus a beautiful Mandela quote I found click after click in Google first page


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