A manifest

I promised myself that on April 24, the moment I turn 22 years old, I will write a beautiful blogpost about my achievement so far.  But then I felt like I am losing the moment of celebration. Probably I was right.  Maybe in the moment I felt grateful, I should be saving and writing them all down before they turn bitter.  Anyway, so I was thinking to save the best story until my birthday.  I hope in the end the post is going to make me happy and realize it is going to be alright.

The year was 2004.  It was 10 years ago and I was just 12 years old.  A teenage girl who just entered puberty.  So many things happened in 2004.  My eternal crush to Wade Robson was getting intense and fully exist until now (although not so much, I have just gotten over it recently).  I collected surfing fashion brands like Billabong, Rusty and Roxy--I was so lame.  I listened to Avril Lavigne's second album and I was so in tune to MTV.  I subscribed to TRAX Magazine.  I was very pretentious for my age and social circle.  Back then nobody had any idea of what I was talking--about how awesome Seether collaboration with Amy Lee was (I think this one is 2005). I only had few people that I can discussed about my obsession towards Wade Robson with.  I was a kid who was trying to pretend to be somebody.  Maybe, what she was trying to become is herself, but a lot cooler version of herself that impressed everybody.  It was the year when I attempted to write a teenlit or was it the year when my passion of writing begun.  The year when I told myself and others "I do not know probably I am going to study in Malaysia and take Public Relation."--it was only a sentence that I thought was drifting away in the wind (bad metaphor, what the hell is this)

Now it has been 10 years after all of that.  I had gone through all the stupid junior high school stuffs, down to high school, and completing my Communication degree study in Malaysia. Maybe out of all things that I have done and words that I manifest to myself has gone real and right at the end.  Me, studying overseas, when  I had only few friends who thought that way.  They'd prefer to study concrete knowledge like Law or Medicine.  The way the see my decison, made me feel so damn stupid.

Right now,  I am a professional living in a so-so world of below the line advertising.  I am 22 and about to resign.  I know it is for the best, for my development, but I am scared of what will I face next.  

But then I am thinking, it means I have to return and left everything I have accomplished behind.  I was so happy.  I travelled, I met interesting people and my role model, I performed my poetry, I gained friends--but whereelse should I go after this?  Where will I find another comfort and support like this elsewhere.  I am afraid I will leave empty handed.  Although my determination has been very strong.  I keep up with people who was mean to me.  It has been a long walk to battle my insecurity, negative thoughts and inconfident.  I do not want to let it all to waste. Because I have seen friends who face similar situation of struggling to return to home.  It has been a mixed feeling between feeling humiliated by judgment of being "not good enough" and actually safe of being in your house.  I really hate people that invest that out there opportunity are larger than home.  

I used not to be like this.  These past few weeks I have been feeling so happy and exudes inside and out.  But now, anyway I am very struggling to be happy.  I have been feeling unhappy before and you know it will always bring my down to so many level and right now,  I know it is not the bottom pit but it is pretty depressing

Anyway, it is decided... I will no longer mourn and take my sweet time to recover.  I won't listen to anyone for now, and I will do what I like.  I will be selfish because people have been selfish on me.  It is a fair world right.

Sometimes I know the answers to my problem.  My problems have just over developed and I forgot to write down all the answer.  All there is only a conclusion and less philosophy.  WTF.... I really need to stop right now and... Happy Birthday to me.


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