The green circle

Maybe I am still getting used to look up for the green circle on my screen
The one that indicates that you are here
You, maybe inside bedroom of yours
With two windows open
One for playing your favorite online games
The other one is to send me signal by the said green circle
That said yes, I am here

Then, there is me
Inside bedroom of mine
Laying on my stomach on the foreground of my mattress
Chin sitting on my hand
Puzzling through question that I have already had the answer to
The green circle is never for me
It is just there to indicate nothing

I know I have no claim of you
And I know I cannot ask much
But at least, by knowing the presence of the green circle
I feel a lot less lonely
A lot safer

By the green circle
I am allowing myself to turn back into a 16-year-old girl
While, in fact, I am growing into this, a 21-year-old young woman
Who is mature enough to live by her own
To choose a man for her own good
To find a man, not a boy, that is able to appreciate her
Body, soul and mind
To think about her in most of his time, like the way she does to him

And, I have not found him
Yet, I am still trying to extract him out from you
Although I know that he is not here
Then, why the hell am I sitting here writing you another poem?

I feel angry and stupid
For me
For my best friends who keeps telling me to stop
"He is not worth for your chase
You should be finding a guy who chase you instead
We are female..."
Those kinds of unfeminist crap of advice
Which I cannot tolerate because my mind has already been consumed by the thought of you
Overgrown infatuation that has become an obsession

But now I am trying to let go
Words by words
One poem to another
And pasting every message onto the wall like a mural
In hope that when you and your green circle walk pass
You will capture every heartbreak and blessing
That you have caused me in

This act is kiddish
But my feelings are not
Although a bit pathetic

I just want to outgrow you

I used to look up for the green circle on my screen
The one that indicates that you are here
But now even your name does not appear


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