This is probably the most depressing post in my blog ever...
... I don't feel like writing. But somehow I have to.
I think I need to write because it makes me feel worthy of something. Speaking of worth, a price. I don't think I have valued myself well to people around me. I am still timid. I am that submissive. I obey people who tell me what to do this and that. I am getting tired to sit down there and take everything that they feed me to. Blame. Mistake. My own mistakes. Blame. I hate to be blamed. I don't feel like bothering to correct myself in front of people who have perceived me wrong, who had been putting label on my face, because I think, hey what's the point?! They are going to judge you anyway nonetheless. Outsider. Illegal. Inexperienced. Sloppy. Messy. It hurts. Because of that, I feel weak. And I don't like being weak. I don't like to be called weak. To be seen weak... but wait, I think I am. By writing this, I am admitting that I am weak. But so what if you are weak?
Are you going to feel bad?
Why is it so important not to feel bad, and feel good all the time?
As I am writing my expression here simply and poorly, I read through every passage that I have written up there. I think this might heal me just for a moment.
Sometimes, it is so tiring to feel like this every single day. The feeling of being ungrateful. I need to constantly remind myself that : hey you have a good shelter, you won't feel hungry, if you do, you still have plenty of food in the fridge, you have nice clothes to wear, in fact you have just bought some new shoes remember? , your friends and family are just a chat away, in fact they have been visiting you this week.
Then why is it so hard to me to feel positive.
I always told that I have a permanent frown on my face. They think I am frowning but I actually am not for most of the time. Is it for real or is it just a tease to make me feel even more unpleasant.
I don't know what's battle is inside me right now. It has been a year. I am turning 21 this week. It has been a year, and I hope it gets better. I just hope I can value myself well, before I can be valued more by others.