21 and blessed!

This post seems to be a self-appreciation post. Because who else is posting their own birthday post on their blogs and share it onto social media accounts they have? This is not ego or vanity. I am just celebrating me. Yup, that is part of India Arie's Private Party, which is a song that I am playing right now, and the lyric cannot be less true. I am celebrating myself right now. In my empty living room on my apartment. In my comfort zone-a place that I left for quite a while-typing on my blog as if opening a dusty pandora box, since I have been not writing for like a month. This is in fact my third posting of the month, not a productive one, but this is a month of blessing. I have many stories to unfold and write so that I can remember.

Out of all things that I want to write -- I can be 30, or 40 years old and still be writing this. I am a girl who just turns 21 today and I want to tell you about a journey from being a year older. 

It is all about early surprise!

The picture on the left was taken when I was turning 20-not even turning, I was 19 back then, my parents got me an early birthday surprise on April 23rd night. I was in my house shirt just got back from a sushi dinner-my parents were so eager to take my brother and I there, eventhough I was okay about that-wearing a white-gold necklace with teddy bear pendant my mother first gave me (and I am still wearing it now, and it will be for the rest of my life) and that was the only thing that felt right. I like teddy bear. I love Bossi and I consider him as a living thing instead of ... a teddy... don't ever call him teddy or I'll smack you. Because what's with the heels on as my cake topper. A hope for me to be better-mannered as a girl? Ah-ah.... and I don't think I grow a bit from my parents' expectation. Haha. Sorry Mom... Dad...

Then the right picture was taken yesterday. An early birthday surprise came from my office. I know that our office normally celebrates everyone's birthday, but I am still very flattered. Because, I am now living separately from my parents. So, my colleagues at the office, eventhough we piss at each other quite sometimes, they are the closest people to me. I was in fact celebrating with my other colleague too, whose birthday is two-day earlier than me. His name is Boo Wai, and he insisted to take to see GI Joe recently. He is a nice guy and I think he is one of the top people in the office that I piss a lot... haha... He's turning 40 something, but he doesn't look any day pass 39. He is such a happy guy, that's why he doesn't have wrinkles and doesn't seem to age much.

Now, Let's take a moment here....

The girl on the left wouldn't think that she would have spend her next birthday with new people. A year ago...I would have not know who Boo Wai and the rest of my colleagues are. Spending birthday together is moreover, unimaginable. 

Because the girl on the left, did not have any idea that she can score a job and be employed at an office outside her country. It is not because she cannot, it is because she didn't have any idea of what she wants and what to do. She was not strong enough to believe... yet.

She was infatuated by a book called "Partikel" that she claimed as her epiphany to write. And yes, she wrote, she wrote stories and article. Some were sent and featured, some were rejected. From some that were featured, she received critics. Thus, sent her to doubt. She was confused on what language to write. She worried about her daring and inventing idea of writing a sex scene. She had an average thesis title which was surprisingly scored her an A and helped her to get her degree. Although she was pretty upset that she did not get an award, but it was obvious, that there were more students with better effort that her, and again... she didn't really know why she wanted to have an award? Is that because self-actualization?

For God Sake, tell the girl on the left, that she is only 20. 

She tried to find her self. If writing cannot help her, then she starts her reality plan which is getting a job and sending application for Master's scholarship overseas. Much further. Much bigger dream. But much more delusional, because who is she kidding? Nobody wants to grant a scholarship to a mediocre who lives in a country that is unheard of. Indonesia. They know Bali. Not Indonesia.

Then in the heart of her homecountry, she felt how ridiculous it is to attend one interview to another. The first time she walked with a formal attire and strode the guttery side of the pavement, she said to herself, "is this really happening?" because it seemed like she is in a movie scene. A young girl in her twenty walks into on office to another. Begging for jobs. It is really happening.

But, then she decided to travel further, and there she is. On a neighbor's land, just trying her luck. Although she heard that it is nearly impossible to score a job there. But hey, some are still out of her expectation but some are just right and she is here... on the right side, blowing her birthday candles with people she has just met 6 months ago.

Moreover, she's happy that she know she has met good friends. She feels belonged, no more estranged. She has a happy family. She flirted with stranger, danced with stranger, and met a  stranger in a day or two, and later develop a huge bulky crush on him. Eventhough, it was nothing but it was special to her because now she knows what a tiny bit of love is. How is it when you cannot sleep and eat because of on particular thought. Infatuated. Previously, yes, she had fallen before, and she thought that "it would never been worse than this and that".... but she's wrong.

If she'd choose to stay in her homecountry, following her comfort zone, none of these would happened, and she might not feel blessed as today. Who knows where, how, and with whom she's spending her 21st birthday with? She will get no capability to be loved and to love....

It is funny how life can take you somewhere... She has done much but she has done less.... And she know she is not stopping.

Both of the girls on the left and right are still afraid to look at the camera. Next year, I  make sure that she's going to look forward and smile to the camera with new-born confidence. Right self-value.

And nobody knows how is she spending my 22nd birthday next year....


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