Monologue #11 : Scared and vacant

Happy March, Earthlings!

How are you doing? This month starts pretty good for me.

It has been a while since I have been writing. I have not yet to write any serious piece lately. Writing better and productively has always been my resolution every year. I think I am just going vacant phase because I am also concentrating a lot on my work. Being an account executive is tough, especially when you are fresh and clumsy like me. But, I get things under control now. Having emails after hours and over the weekend means nothing strange for me. At least, what I am doing is for my experience and ...

Okay hold up, I am finding that my best friend is doing secret wedding ceremony without even telling me.... Oh, I am nobody's baby apparently.

... and to expand link and further opportunity. Maybe I could meet a publisher one day or just add some more writers friends. I feel like I always have to be in the circle just to be fueled and inspired. Because I really want to take this seriously.

And why would I want to take writing seriously?

People say that if you really want something, eager on a thing, you better be careful and ask yourself : what does it mean by this and that? So, what does it mean by becoming a serious writer for me?

My first appreciation of words and literature came in such a very young age. I started reading poems and I liked to read magazine. Then I began to write and finish stories in middle school in fact I kept 2 lousy teen stories back then. I lost both of them anyway. Then in high school, I tried to get as active as I can to write.

I also got some support from friends and family. Some hate comments from haters who think that my writings are 'so-what?' and not good enough.

So I guess after all these 20 (going to 21) years I have been identifying myself as an amateur writer. Many agree and many disagree. But anyway, the fear is if I don't write then, I am just like anybody else. I am scared to turn into something so plain and so dead. But the more I think about it, the more I am afraid of it, and the more I become like that.

Is it just me who is pressuring myself or writing is not for me? I saw many great talents out there who are better than mine. People of my age. Many of their writings have been published and filmed. I cannot be more envy and skeptical towards them, which is not good I know. Even though I keep thinking that these young writers are not producing anything more creative, I realise that I need to assess... myself and them, but somehow, I feel like a coward for keeping the curiosity to myself.

Half part of me thinks that being this vacant is just normal, because I have been pushing myself since last year to write about some non-sense story which I left unfinished til now, and other half tells me that... no you are doing this wrong, you shouldn't be vacant, you should be going on and forward.

I just cannot stand having myself this personal question. I feel like nobody can answer this question but myself. Because I find it hard to find another person to relate to this. Because everyone has each of their own value, ambition and goal in their lives. That's why when I am having this conversation with a friend, they always fail to receive what I meant. One of them even answer "Oh, honey, shouldn't you have figured out the answer since middle school?"

This is not about finding what you love. I found that. Long before middle school, I knew that I am keen on words, language and all these non-sense people see me loving. But now it is about maintaining your identity and reality.

I swear to God. Writing has never taken toll on me like this. I used to follow the flow. I missed the energy when I write. The sudden quietness that surrounds me. The focus I have in me. I am having my own world and it felt so good. Now where do they go?


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