Mummy's Little Princess
I am writing this post on my desk table on national holiday. There are many works left undone for some of my designer colleagues, and I guess I am here just to show some support, although I have the very least job to do in my side. I don't mind really to come today, instead of sitting and getting bored alone at my house.
How I miss Cyberjaya. I am still adapting to stay in my new place in KL. Thankfully, I am living in a very nice house, much more cleaner and spacier than my previous house, with decent and friendly housemates. I cannot ask for anything better than this. I got everything that I want in the neighborhood. When I said neighborhood, I mean... mall. Starbucks, Cinnabon, Auntie Anne's, and many other fast food joints that are bad for you. Yet, I am feeling so alone.
Anyhow, last few days, I was always be reminisced from something from my pasts. I wrote about my junior high school life, and now this particular thought has geared me to wonder of a person I have became as today.
Girls, you must be remembered how it was so funny and competitive back then on your childhood. Because, there was always this particular auntie who boosted her daughter unstoppably. I do not know for sure if you had one in the neighborhood, but I had some and they were absolute annoyance. They tried to make her daughter looked like a star or a princess. They spoiled their kids with 'bought impression' from others. They tend to be a "yes-man" to their kids. They build the kid's confidence to the point that they are starting to feel exclusive about them and what they have. I am not against it because it is their choice that I won't be bothering since I am not living up that goal and aspiration anyway. I just find it funny to understand that people would go so far to win attention.
Thankfully, my mother had never turned up to become such person. She was totally the opposite. Don't get me wrong, She is the best mother in the world. However, she doesn't sugar-coat. She tells me bluntly how she feels and sees of everything about me. Let it be my stretchmarks in my hips for gaining so much weights, my breasts that she claims would be saggy before its time if I kept wearing false bra, and of course my personality, which she attacks so many times. Sometimes all the things she has said in the past. They hurt. A lot. They shake my confidence. But now that I am 20 and growing into a young adult, living alone in another city of another country, having my own very obstacles to face, all the things that she said, they are true... and I am growing more or less like her.
There are always things that you love and things you hate about yourself. For me personally, I am loving my interest to write, eventhough my writing is still far from perfection and is very lousy. I am happy that I am starting to live independently by the age of 20. However, I lost the ability to entertain myself. All of these positivities that I am embracing, they are not permanent. I mean, time shifts and shit could happened. I am trying to maintain my life individually, and it is not easy. Sometimes, or most of the time, I put to much pressure in my daily life. In every tiny detail. That is why I become a constant overthinker, and should I blame a person or some people for that?
I used to do that during my childhood and teenager years. I have always felt left out. I was not spoiled enough, then I pointed every blame to my parents. I never want to be a princess or a star. I just want my talent be acknowledged and appreciated. I want to show people that I am exist. But I feel like I have never been supported to do so. Later, I notice that I have had all the support, but it was me who keeps gazing blank and nowhere, ignoring all the blessings. It was me who never asked for supports. It was me who did not knock for opportunity, because just like me, everyone is minding their own business and you cannot assume that they'd magically know your necessity. Now, believe me, by the time I am writing this, I felt somehow guilty because I was being passive... but actually, not really, I have tried my best, haven't I?
Anyhow, I am happy that my parent had taught me in their own fashion. They have their flaws just like I do, and they have been trying their best and so have I.
So, is it necessary to ask my parents to make some BBM status saying how proud they are of me, like many parents do for their child? Those embarrassing things that we avoid from parents that they used to do to us... I do not expect that someday, I need that desperately.