A Kaleidoscope Year : April - May - June

Good Evening Earthlings,

I thought I shall continue with my kaleidoscope. So here we begin...


This is my birthmonth and I am turning 20. Then I reviewed what I had been doing on my twenty years of life, what things I had accomplished : nothing. Funny thing is, I like to compare, with absolute delusion, between my life to celebrity's accomplishment when they were twenty. For example, Kelly Clarkson won American Idol title when she was 20. Wade Robson choreographed Britney when he was 20. Heck, Adele released her album when she was 19. I felt so left behind. Even 18-year-old Bieber has been making much more money than I do... Obviously. 

And I bought this book just before my birthday, called "Partikel" by Dewi "Dee" Lestari. I talk and write a lot about my obsession towards the book, or specifically, the life of its main character, Zarah. She's only 20 but she's living an ideal life. I might not be a photographer, but she lives by what she does and likes best, and I want that. Besides, her romantic interest was like 10 years older than her and an older guy always be an ideal partner in Ayu Meutia's preference. My friend reminded me that those were just stories, fiction, which is true, but it didn't make me snap out of it. I was pursuing my writing too and still. I did not stop.

But the book was clearly a revelation to me. It gave me this strange force that makes me laugh, think and cry. Then it also gave me the strength to reunite with two of my bestfriends again. In fact, actually, they had already been alright with me since the start of the semester. It was just me who was so afraid to communicate with them. Our first interaction was in a normal in-class activity then we went for lunch together. It was awkward at first but it turned out much better later.

I have to mention that during this, I was also involved in an Indonesian student body. We were preparing a (supposedly) big closing event of the 2011/2012 organization period, before I resigned myself. 

I knew the whole event would be a major flunk but nobody listened. Everybody seemed to be so college-idealists, when all they do was only smoking pot until sick. You hear me, yes.

I mean, I admire your smartness but please stay realistic. It became clear that all Indonesian are born with chauvinism. We expect every people from different countries, region, and culture will accept Indonesia just like the way Indonesians accept and understand their own culture and story. I mean idea can be classic and rich but delivery must be universal. I certainly would not go for Kazakhstan play if they would showcase it in their own language with strong reference of their politics or history. If one of you find this posting and feel irritated, just don't. I had been feeling irritated since you guys recruited me and ditched most of my opinion. I am speaking of truth, and if you dare to accept this, you are a critical person whom I salute. Don't be afraid of critics. Critic builds. I accepted most of your critics, and here I am gaining point of view by that. 

I guess being in that said organization was one of the things that grew my friends and I apart. I spent goddamn 6 months for I don't know what. But nevermind, I have grown past that. 

Ah, I remembered sending my script to a publisher on my birthday, and the story did not just stop here....


Well, there were not many things happened in May except dissertation. I believed I was in Chapter two during that time. Probably another highlight was the flattering soup incident at Nando's . 

And of course, I gave birth to this blog!

The blog was named Closeted, and I wondered why I wanted to name it that way. People might think that I am a lesbo or something... closeted.

Anyway, I am not a lesbian. I can assure you I am completely straight because there came my obsession as well as denial of 50 Shades of Grey. I am still keeping unpublished draft of some erotic writings in my document file haha... which I am about to delete. I swear I will never touch it ever and ever again. Why did I write them in a first place anyway? But as cheap as it is, the book motivates me. It reminds me that, all of us, including me, can write better than E.L James. Actually, the concept is there, but too bad it is poorly constructed. I guess the theme itself is somehow universal. People have strange desire and habit when it comes to sex. We have darkest fantasy, don't we? And I think, it is just normal. Something we can always embrace in private, with our lover.


June held a long story alright. June was the month when I busted my ass off for work and job. It was depressing really. The pressure of assignments, dissertation and what's next after graduation. I was also still keeping track with my writing. So it was crazy.

Somehow, the semester ended in the middle of June. Few days after, I flew to Jakarta to attend an interview. It was also a hesitation choosing between Jakarta and Kuala Lumpur. Of course, I will choose Kuala Lumpur anyway because of the paycheck, transport and infrastructures. I seriously cannot imagine living in Jakarta. I might be Indonesian, but I don't grow in Jakarta. Some of my friends choose to leave for good because they have been comfort and suited with the city, since it is their hometown. But not for me. Although, I visit Jakarta a lot every year. Jakarta is Jakarta. Hustling, bustling Jakarta.

I tried to send CVs to agencies in KL but I received no single reply, instead I received a loathe reply from one of the agencies... Whatever. 

So I really was preparing myself to go back to Jakarta. Tried my luck to the Big Durian, with disappointment. I secured two interviews... and I delivered suck. Anyhow, they were still interested in keeping me. And I accepted one of the offers, not for long.

I managed to hang with my high school friends who study in Jakarta, after the interview. But, I was not in my best condition. I felt like being a failure and my hope was all lost. There I was talking to three medical practitioners candidates and two of future rivals in marketing and PR. How could it be more depressing? 

One of my friend commented, like, why would an overseas graduate want to find a job here in Jakarta. He might mean it casually but he sounded like undermining, like he meant it was something shameful, and I didn't expect it coming from him. But I just bitterly complained to him and the rest. I wish they knew the situation.

It was a hard time really... 

Anyhow, my story is published... at least :)


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