What's your call?

I am overjoyed tonight because I finally revamp my blog with this chic template, which I do not generate but it turns up really great. I am so thrilled that I cannot sleep, so I decide to write on my blog, keep adding new post to keep it alive! Hell yeah!
I have been thinking lately, what is my purpose to live for and where my passion lies. Even though, I love writing, I used to hesitate to develop it as a career. I used to be very confident about myself and I tend to forget that are many writers out there who are skillful and I might find intimidating. You do not have to search for them, it could be your long lost friend. Can you imagine? Even in a world full of introvert people, there will be still a competition.
Since, February, when I started my last semester, I have been writing a lot and I have been through emotional roller-coaster a lot. Because managing time among writing, school works, friends and family are just crazy. Every week, I used to have different moodlets. It is so insane. Maybe people think, writers have the most easiest job to do, which to write. I used to think that way. But it takes a lot! Dedication, discipline and focus. It is like writing your thesis but worse. You are your own personal editor. You do not have a supervisor but yourself, it is not going to be easy if you are an extremely moody and demanding person, like me.
I constantly condescend myself, thinking my writing is a rubbish. I try to find other things which I hope I will be attracted to and can be showcased to people. Many of my friends like photography and they even initiate small photo shoots for their portofolios. I, once, was thinking of trying. Because, eventually, I will work in an industry which is really close to media and photography is good optional skill that employer would consider. Also, because of I was finishing Partikel recently, it gave me added drive and inspiration. Besides, photography is unlike writings. Nowadays people have more and more tendency of short attention span, meaning that, they don't bother to look at anything that they find too long and boring. Photography is great because it can be assessed in flash, unlike writing. Please, what kids who like to read nowadays? People think it is boring. I see many friends of mine are posting pictures and some graphic designs and people appreciate them. That what's driving me to make something 'tangible' like pictures or design... and I am thinking of straight cannonball. I mean, come on. Who am I kidding? What can I expect? It's me and camera. If there's an expression saying "Camera loves you" or "Camera is wearing a lingerie and dancing to Al-Green to you." that is not going to be happened with me.
First I look bad in pictures. I mean I look terrible, I am not much of a camera person. Well, you see my G+ picture that's better because I was prepared and taking the picture by myself... Please don't go to my Facebook profile then haha.
Second, I can't take good pictures. Even with a simple phone camera. Ask my mother how she needed to yell every time I take bad pictures of her... or is it just her who is being demanding. I do not know.
That is why I cannot force myself into something that I do not like. I love photography but only as  a viewing fan.  It would be great if I learn more about photography though, but let's find someone who is willing to drag me out of my comfort zone, shall we? haha.
For a while, after I finished my classes, I literally had nothing to do. So, I started to find a job. I honestly do not know what I am looking for, so I faced many hurtful rejections and those time I felt so hopeless. I tried to apply in advertising agencies, publishing, newspaper and mostly in corporate business as PR/marketing officer. My focus were shattered from the start.
I even thought for once, that I should have been taking medical studies or law so that when I graduate I don't have to worry about work-searching and all of these, because I would be graduated as professional. That was how low myself esteem. You know as much as I want myself to be, I just hate medical studies, mostly because of the stuck-up doctors wanna be.
But after what I have been going through,
I realize that what I missed is my confidence and the inability to be myself. I hide under my friends' personalities. When she mentions about being a photographer, I want to be one. When one mention about having a magazine someday, I want to have one.
I need to wake up because that is not right. That is not me.
How could I not realize that my call is for literature writing! So their paths are not the same as mine and I need to stop pretending and start to make my path...
I know it's a long way to go and It sounds really ridiculous but I am going to take my dream carefully. I don't have to end up in journalism/writing if I wanna be a writer, I can be anything that I want... and I am thinking advertising is still good to go.
I know people do not fascinate reading as much as they did, and my brother (yup, the youngest one) advised me that it might took a long time for journalists/writers to live and make big earning from what they do. But, I just want to satisfy myself. I want to make myself ready for it with work experience and further study after graduation. I just hope it goes well.

After all, there's gotta be more to life!


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