The Swing

I am not sure if anybody's reading this. But let's warm this blog up. I'm gonna write about myself a bit, and I do not know where to start. I think since I am planning to write in Indonesian, I might need to switch, don't I?

Hai pembaca yang lagi mampir disini. Aku harap kabar kalian baik.

No, I am good in English. Let's switch to English again. See, you're starting to know me a bit better. I swing a lot. Maybe I am just a little shy, so I need to hide behind another language so people might use some effort to find out what I am writing here, which does not make sense, English is a universal language, but Indonesian isn't. Hmm...

Anyway, that's pretty much what I feel lately. The swing. 
Anyhow, here I am, sitting on my mattress, introducing myself to those who read this post. I study Advertising. Why? Because I last time I had to choose there had only be one, either Public Relation or Advertising. Since, I like creative writing so much, I choose advertising. I aim to start my career as a copywriter. However, something happened that make me think twice. I feel like I do not want to contribute into the field. It was a couple of weeks ago, I received bad score for my first assignment on Advertising Campaign. I couldn't take it easy, because I felt that was one of my best work during 3 years of study. Then, it got trashed that simple. Surprisingly, I even shared close score with others who did the work last-minutely while others whom I helped earlier got bigger score than me. This was not happened for the first time, if you are an underrated class achiever, you know how this feels *winks. Underrated class achiever means a person who is quite an excel in class however they always on the second place, more sociable, less geeky than A+ kid who always be the class champ each year, because they are seeking social acceptance. Sometimes confuse, sometimes holding back. So for one second  after the result came I thought, if every advertising bosses are gonna be like him (my lecturer) and if the field is gonna be this demanding or blind-sided. Hell, no, I am not gonna stay in the field.

I know I sound childish, close friend told me that I am. I partially disagree. I am just being honest or innocent might be the right word, and that's what makes me more mature than those who keep their hatred and dislike then channel it brutally with gossips and tweets. That's what I think and that's what I am still trying to do. Well, I was an avid tweeter--and boy, did I make problems with my tweets. Since then, I'd prefer to talk about my feelings rather than keeping it to myself and tweeting about it. Although, I am not necessarily discussing the problem with that particular person. I will talk to few of my friends. We don't trash-talk, but we examine the problem. I treat them like a shrink. I know, I have to be selective to people that I could trust and give me good advice. Some of my friends, can't get away with this. Some say they have no idea to advise me anymore, maybe because I am such a headstrong. I know people do not get me sometimes. That's where I know who are my trusted friends, and who are not. By that, I am struggling a lot. I don't have anytime to talk to. Normally, I just talk to my mom and friends via BBM, but that won't help a lot. Physically, I need them to be here. That's why few of my friends here tend to joke cynically about my behavior on dining table, if you know what I mean.

 I don't know maybe I look tougher than I actually feel inside. Physically, when I put a flat face, people often think that I am sick or in a bad mood, which I am not. Let's start with that. When I start to tell story, I got a little too excited that I just can't stop. So when people think I am furious, I actually am just angry. People assume I am desperate, when I am just sad. People think I am so ecstatic, but I am just happy. It'll always be a superlative condition with me. 
People misunderstand, another people get misunderstood. Well, who does not?

That's why I prefer to be alone most of the time. I have this introvert nature. I am still seeking people whom I could trust fully. I don't make many close friends. Just the ones in my hometown and the ones whom I went to elementary school with. I honor longtime friendship. But, I don't usually have a gang. As much as I want it, I hate to be attached. I think gang is stupid. My definition of gang is three to ten to twenty group of people who hangs out together and show their attitude that they are taking over the place, the city. Let's forget the fact that I have never been in a gang before and I am not jealous of it. The truth is I am scared of getting hurt and being taken for granted. I believe, I am a nice person, but I never belong anywhe. The only people that I trust is my family, especially my mom. We somehow got closer right after I started living alone abroad. Before this, we used to have a big fight and I nearly never told her anything about my life. So I am quite surprised and thankful with our developing relationship. We have grown so much.

I can't believe I am about to finish my degree study. It felt like just yesterday when I first walked into Cyberjaya. This last semester is indeed a battlefield for me. I am struggling with the things that I can't see. Myself.

I have tremendous skillful classmates. They have a pack of portfolio of pictures which I don't have. I am actually worried to leave university with common skill. I enjoy photography but I don't picture myself as a photographer. Camera and I never really work together. I took bad picture and camera took bad picture out of me. It's a love hate relationship. I'd prefer to write though, but how do you come up with any employer and start giving them boring essays? 

Maybe it's just me who over think. Right now, the grasses that surround me are greener and my lawn is no match. The hell did i just write I personally believe I have something more. I am just never confident about myself and I don't wanna be seen as a narcissistic. Then, I remember how people are getting use to YouTube and Social Media, that there's no point of being shy anymore. Everyone's a celebrity in their little own universe. 

This blog here is my own little universe and I am the star. That egoistic. It's okay because other had been pushing their ideas on me. I'd really want to start writing professionally. This blog is a commitment of being not closeted and underrated anymore.


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